Don't Let Her Become Me
by Banshi13
Summary: He looked up to the stars and sent out a silent prayer 'Please...don't let her become like me...'


"Show me how."

"Absolutely not," John answered almost immediately, pushing off of the doctor's desk and crossing his arms, "there's no reason for you to learn."

"No reason for me to-Major, as many times as you have problems off world is as many times I feel slightly un-protected here," Elizabeth reasoned, crossing her own arms and staring at him, "we've had a few attacks, one or two of them I was held at gun-point. If knew how to tactically defend myself, you might have one less thing to worry about."

-Not likely- John thought to himself. "I'll be more than happy to teach you self defense, Elizabeth. Shoot, Teyla would jump at the chance, you can learn some useful stuff from that woman. But I will not, under any circumstances, teach you how to use a P-90, a 9 mil, or any other kind of weapon that has a bullet as a part of it's ammunition."

"Why not?"

"Well, for one, you're a civilian," before Dr. Weir could jump on that statement, John held up a hand, "and although we're in Atlantis, we still hold the rules of the military, that being that no civilian that is not properly trained will hold a weapon such as that."

"You could properly train me," she shot back, rather stealy.

"I could, but I'm not going to, and here's why. I assume that you have no permit or paper work stating that you can learn to use a gun?" When she didn't say anything, he continued, "that and you've never fired a gun, cleaned a gun, you've been around guns, but you have no idea technically how they work-"

"What's the problem Major?" She interjected, unable to keep silent any longer, "I'm not even going to go into the fact that we've trained many of the Athosians's on weapons. You're giving me reasons that we could easily change. And yes, while much of the military code should be kept strictly in tact, we're not on Earth anymore, and don't have an entire army that we can call upon when we're in trouble."

"You're a diplomat, Elizabeth," John tried reaching her through that route, any route that she would go on to ditch this idea of hers. "I mean, it wouldn't be a really great idea to go into talks with a side arm, you know...that and, you know...you've got..." he waved his hands, Elizabeth giving him an odd look, "small arms..." he finished lamely. The doctor cocked an eyebrow.

"Small arms," she stated, walking toward him, "you know, I never would have thought you for the chauvinistic type, Major."

"Okay, this has nothing to do with you being a woman and me being a man. I've served with some pretty scary women in my time, and they can kick ass with the best of them but-"

"But what?"

John let out a breath of air in frustration, running his hands through his hair before closing his eyes, then opening them and giving her his best 'I've-made-up-my-mind' look. "I won't do it. I'll teach you hand to hand, I'll grab Telya to giving you training sessions every week when I can't do anything but I will not, under any circumstances, put a weapon on your body." He watched as she put her hands behind her back, clasping her fingers together and turned away from him. He could practically see the words she really wanted to say to him running around her head. There were definitely a few exotic words, he was certain.

In short, he'd be paying for this for a while. A good, long, agonizing while.

"Very well," she turned back to him, but didn't look at him as she walked to her desk, settling into her chair and picking up her lap top. She didn't even bother look up as John took his cue and left the room, stalking somewhat through the doors. She tapped a few keys on the board and took a deep calming breath.

If that was how he wanted to play it, fine. She could wait. She was a diplomat.

Patience was her middle name.

Atlantis

"She's driving me insane!" John grumbled, stabbing at his food with his fork. It had been nearly a week, and Elizabeth had not spoke one word to him. Hadn't looked at him, hadn't said anything around him that he could hear, hadn't acknowledged his existence. Oh, she and Teyla had set up a training schedule and they'd already met twice. Elizabeth had taken a special liking to the Athosian sticks that Teyla was so well versed in. He knew because Teyla had made it a point of telling him every single solitary time she saw him.

He pushed his plate away and groaned, much to the annoyance of Rodney, who had seen the two behaving like children for the past couple of days. Thankfully there had been no crisis, otherwise the astrophysicist was certain that Atlantis would have fallen to whatever woe had been bestowed upon it. As it was now, he was growing rather tired of the antics. So, he dropped his fork and tapped Sheppards arm roughly.

"Look, I don't know about you, but I'd like to continue the rest of my time here on beautiful Atlantis _without_ the two of you squabbling like kids, so you could just give the woman what ever the hell is she's asking for, and let me get back to my life, I'd be forever grateful."

"You know what, you try having Elizabeth Weir treat you as if you don't exist for about five days, then tell me to suck it up and go say sorry."

"Oh please, she does that at least once a month to me." Rodney got up, taking his plate and glass with him. John watched him leave, his green eyes glaring menacingly at the scientists back as he left. And, just as Rodney had mentioned children, John put his arms on the table and rested his head upon them staring at his un-eaten food.

Learning how to use a gun was one thing. If he was sure that that would be all there was to it, he'd be teaching her how to use a P-90 any chance he got. But he knew that wouldn't be the case. She wanted to learn how, but knowing how to use it, knowing how and when that situation was warranted...that was something that would take longer than a few minutes. It would take attacks, training simulations, lots of them...and that wasn't the worst part.

"Oh boy..." he scrubbed his face with his hand as though he'd just woken up and looked at the ceiling. Okay, sure, so none of the reasons' he'd given her were good ones, or even the right ones. Hell, he could care less if anyone learned how to use a gun out here and they were civilian, alien or any other kind of 'ian'. But her...

Like a dog with his tail tucked between his legs, John got up, leaving his food where it was and headed toward the gateroom, his hands in his pockets. His first instinct was to head to her office, but she wasn't there. The gateroom was void of her as well, and he hadn't seen her in the mess. On way up, Teyla had passed him, heading away from the gym, so Dr. Weir didn't have a training session. That left only one likely place, and if she wasn't there, then John didn't have a clue where to find the woman.

As usual, his instincts paid off. He found her, leaning over the railing of the balcony watching the sun set below the sea. It was a sight that never tired of being looked at. Different shades of blues and reds collided with each other to make purples and pinks, with the fire rays of the sun just dipping below. Add that to the crystal clear ocean they were currently sitting on, and John had his favorite spot on Atlantis and where to be there. Coincidentally, it was also Elizabeths.

"Nice sunset," he commented, deciding to stay where he was for the moment. As expected, she didn't answer him, seemingly easily shrugging him off as though he wasn't there. John knew he was out of league. Oh, he could be patient. But his patience was of a different kind. His patience was relied on in combat situations, in waiting for an enemy to reveal himself, or in preparing for a C-4 detonation at the right time. But he was patient for those things because he knew, sooner or later, they would happen. He was sure that one day Elizabeth would talk to him again, but unlike the previous situations, he didn't want to wait for that.

"Look um...I know you're pretty angry with me. You've got a genuine beef, I get that. And I wasn't being totally honest with you before and maybe I should have just done the un-manly thing and told you what was really going through my head at the time, but I...well, obviously I didn't and uh..." he squinted, looking at her again, noticing that she hadn't moved an inch. "Are you even _listening_ to me?" A moment or two passed, and then...

"Yes."

"Ah...okay, good." He decided that it was safe enough to at least stand closer, so he moved his position to her side.

"Do you feel like telling me the reason now?" she asked softly, still not looking at him.

"Not really," he muttered, but when she finally looked at him, it was with a glare that he knew must have been reserved only for the most stubborn or rude of governmental officials. "But I will..."

"Good." She stood to her full height and clasped her hands behind her back. "Fire away."

"Very funny." He looked out over the ocean, the soft waves lapping at the sides of the city, the sun nearly fully set below the sea's horizon. It was all very innocent looking. He took a deep breath, taking in the strength of the water. The sea air always seemed to calm him, steady him when he needed it.

"Okay, I'll admit. Every single time you've been kidnaped or held at gun point or hurt some way, it's scared the hell out of me. Not just because you command the city, but because you're my friend, one of the closest I have. I'd love for you to learn how to defend yourself. I know if you apply yourself, you could kick as much ass physically as you do verbally."

"But?" Her eyebrows raised.

"I just...ah, Jesus and Mary," he muttered, leaning against the railing and rubbing his eyes. "Honestly, I feel like I'd be raping you."

"_Excuse me_?!" Out of the millions of things she thought John could say to her, that statement wasn't one of them. That word even sounded strange on his tongue, on his lips...

"Not I mean, you know...not like that, but...God, Elizabeth you're a diplomat. You pride yourself on solving problems with _words_, not weapons. You've brokered I don't know how many treaties on Earth that probably saved thousands if not millions of lives, you cringe at the sound of a gunshot..." he shook his head sadly at her.

"You're saying you don't think I could handle it," she surmised, trying to wrap her brain around it.

"I'm saying I don't want you to _have_ to handle it," he countered. "You're too innocent, Liz...you're just...it would be like raping you of your innocence. I don't want to be the one to do that."

Besides the sounds crashing waves, there was no sound for the next few minutes. It was rare for Elizabeth Weir to be left speechless, but on this occasion, she had nothing to combat what John was saying. In fact, she had to tune herself back into the conversation because he was talking again.

"...not saying you're not strong. I'm not saying you can't handle what ever's thrown at you, I know you can." He fumbled at his side, pulling out a 9 mil, "but you're one of the few people I've ever met that doesn't need one of these. I admire that, I...I admire you for not needing to turn to this to get a problem solved." He holstered the fire arm and looked back at her, but she wasn't looking at him. She was studiously gazing across a now dusky sky.

"'Lizabeth?"

She shook her head, closing her eyes.

"Look, you haven't talked to me for a week, and now you said you wanted to hear what I had to say. I'm not done yet, so-" he took her face gently with both of his hands, turning her towards him, "listen to me, okay?" She nodded meekly. God, he didn't like that. Hated it, in fact.

"You don't know what it's like to kill someone. To watch someone die, to know that you're the one causing their death. When I was growing up, I wanted to be a pilot, all I wanted to do was fly. To know that I could touch the sky and the stars. And I did. But I also went ops, and it doesn't take a rocket scientist like Rodney McKay to know what we did there. I remember my first kill, I remember the look in his eyes, he knew he was going to die. And I've killed a lot more people since then. 95 percent of them I wish hadn't have happened, but the rest of 'em..." he shook his head.

"I wanted them dead. So they wouldn't hurt anyone else anymore. One or two of them I actually _enjoyed_ killing." He didn't miss the flash of fear in her eyes at his admission, and he hated himself for it. "I don't want you to become that person. I don't want that for you. You don't learn how to use a gun without having the intention of using it, and I don't want you to ever have to. You're to good a person for that."

At that moment, something struck him. He'd never seen Elizabeth Weir cry. She wasn't sobbing uncontrollably or anything like that, but he didn't miss a small, clear tear trickle down from her impossibly light green/grey eyes.

"I am sorry," she murmured, "if I'd known why you-"

"Yea, but you didn't...and that's my fault, not yours." He pulled her into a light hug, glad that for the moment, there was a limited number of people in the gate room, and they were all busy with things that were out of the line of sight of the balcony.

"I'll make you a deal. You take hand to hand combat lessons with Teyla," he suggested quietly, "and I'll let you learn how to use a 9 mil."

"'_Let_'?" John could almost see her eyebrows raise off her head, but he could tell she wasn't angry.

"Guns fall under the rule of the military commander and it just so happens, you're being held by one such commander at the very moment. I won't issue you a gun to keep for yourself. If you want one of those, you'll go back to Earth and do that on your own. But if we're in a combat situation and I deem it necessary...I'll issue you a gun, and you'll know everything about it."

"Everything?"

"You're lookin' at your teacher, so yea...everything. Takin' it apart, cleaning it, puttin' back together, shootin' it, learning how to shoot at different angles..." he gently pushed her away, still holding her arms-gosh he liked hugging her-and gave her a fly boy grin. "Do we have a deal?"

"You drive a hard bargain, Major. You should have gone into politics." She smiled, really smiled for the first time in a week as he snorted. "No way. To much bullshit to deal with. I barely got by with my sanity intact in the military...so politics would be a no."

"To each his own," she stepped back, blinking the tears away. Night had fallen over Atlantis now, the stars were shining brightly, twinkling merrily as though approving of the deal that was just made between the Atlantis commanders.

"So, I've heard you've already been practicing with Teyla."

"Yea...practicing is about all I've been doing. I've seen her fight before, but...I never realized how good she is."

"Yea, I go out of my way not to make her angry," John answered, leaning on the railing and interlacing his fingers. He was happy when Dr. Weir joined him in the same position. "I know some generals she could more than likely put to shame...and they have level four melee training." His body shook slightly with his companions laughter. "And just so you know, Teyla was very diligent regarding telling me about your training sessions and exactly what happened in them."

"Oh did, she really? I didn't know." But her tone was playful and it took every bit of gentlemanly quality in him not to look at her and say 'bullshit'. "Yea, right," he said instead, "you tortured me for a week, you know that?"

"Oh please, like you didn't deserve it."

"We should put you in Afghanistan...you'd leave Al Qaeda in tears."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"You should. Considering a woman is more of a commodity than a person, that's quite a compliment." John cleared his throat.. "But yea...uh, Teyla said you're doing really well. Even after only a couple of sessions she said that you're well on your way to knockin' the Genii or the Wraith all over the galaxy."

At that, Weir raised her head. "Teyla said that?"

"Well...you know, not exactly in those words...but, I got the idea."

Again, she laughed and John felt that happy warm feeling all over again. "Alright, I've got some paper work to finished up...if you'd like to join me?"

"Oooo, paperwork...yea, I'll definitely take a rain check on that one. I've got some reports to file myself, and then I'm going to sleep."

"It's not even late yet."

"Exactly. Early to go to bed equals more sleep for me, which gives you a less cranky, more energetic and alert military commander."

"Ah, yes. I always want more of those," Elizabeth backed away from the railing. "Good night John. I'll see you in the morning." As she walked away, John gave her mock salute, then resettled into his position, watching the light of the stars bounce off the curves of the water. He shook his head slightly, deliberating with himself and sent up a silent prayer.

_'Don't let her become like me'_.


End file.
